Thursday, December 30, 2010

Ask Micki: The disparaging parent

© sxc.hu/imru2b12
Question: Hi, Micki, I need some help with a really awkward tutoring situation I've gotten involved in during these past few months. 

I tutor a really smart student named Jason*.  He's in the 12th grade, and I've been tutoring him in chemistry during his senior year. 

Like I said, Jason is a sharp guy, and follows each tutoring session with no problems at all.  He's excited about going to college out of state next year, and is working hard to achieve his goals.

He pays attention, does his homework, finishes the extra exercises, and always makes sure to participate in the class extra credit assignments.  He's the perfect tutee to have, and I look forward to our tutoring sessions.

The problem is his parents.  I don't want to come off sounding mean, but they are horrible!

Jason brings home an A-, and they yell at him for not getting 100% on the homework.  He gets his extra credit work done early, and they complain that he doesn't make time for sports.  It's like no matter what Jason does, his parents won't get off his back, and it is driving me crazy to watch. 

It's also affecting Jason, and he feels really insecure and bad about himself.

They are, in a word, mean...and (in two more words) not supportive.

They even tell me not to work too hard on him, because he probably won't get it anyway.

Help!
A.K.
* Name changed to protect privacy.

Answer: Hi, A.K.  Yikes, that is a horrible situation. I feel bad for you, and worse for your poor tutee.  He sounds like a great kid, and it's unfortunate that he's been stuck with parents who make him feel so badly about himself. 

The great news is, he has you as a tutor! 

It sounds like you are supportive and enthusiastic when it comes to his work - just what he needs right now - and that you make the time to encourage him in his studies.

So definitely keep doing what you're doing.  Your attitude is undoubtedly good for Jason's morale.  That, coupled with the fact that he'll be leaving for college in not too long, has got to make it a little easier for Jason to be excited about the future - he has something to look forward to, and that can be a great motivator. 

Apart from that, maybe you could pull the parents aside, and (in a very non-confrontational way) let them know that Jason does great work with motivation and encouragement.  Let them know that a little praise goes a long way, and that some encouraging words will help Jason stay focused and enthusiastic academically.

Again, you don't want to make things worse at home, so present every word in a positive light, never sounding accusatory.  Stay upbeat, and approach the situation as though you are handing out a few expert tips from the tutoring world. 

After all, a lot of tutoring is all about encouragement, support, and interpersonal communication.  They may appreciate the tips! (They certainly sounds as though they need them, too.)

Good luck, and let us know how things turn out for you!

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