Ask Micki: Tutor comparisons

© Gastonmag

Questions: Bonjour, Micki! I was contacted by a family who needed a French tutor for their daughter. 

Their previous tutor of 2 years had gone away to college, and they needed someone to continue to help their daughter conjugate those French verbs.

The situation I'm having is that they are CONSTANTLY comparing me to their old tutor, Paula (not her real name). 

When I present a topic, I'm told, "that isn't the way Paula did things." When we work on vocabulary, I'm told, "Paula always went over the words like this..."  If I give a mini-quiz, I hear about how Paula never did that.

This happens at least a dozen times per session. It's driving me crazy!

Any help for this?

Merci!
Allison

Answer: Hi Allison, thanks for your question.  Believe it or not, this is a fairly common complaint when it comes to tutoring. 

The good news is, time is the best remedy for this type of situation.  Over time, "Paula always did it this way..." will be gradually replaced by, "This is how Allison and I work through the French assignment..."

That said, I imagine you'd like a way to deal with this right now, so I'll give you a few tips that I used to handle a similar situation in my own life as a new tutor.

First of all, take a few minutes to talk to your tutee. Good, open, friendly communication is key.  Find out what Paula did that worked so well, and see if any of the ideas are something you'd consider implementing during your tutoring sessions. 

Maybe Paula did a mini-quiz recap at the end of the session that may be a fun idea to continue, maybe she used flashcards that you would consider using, etc.  By keeping the dialogue (and your mind) open to new suggestions, your tutee will feel heard, and you may pick up a few good ideas for your sessions!

Also, you may consider taking a few minutes to talk about how you understand that Paula had a certain way of doing things, but so do you.  Keep the tone upbeat and positive.  Play up the good points of your tutoring style and technique.  Let the tutee (and her parents) know that with a new tutor comes wonderful new opportunities for learning, and new ways of approaching a topic.  Mention how utilizing new learning styles keeps the mind active and the material fresh.

It could be that just hearing about the newness of your tutoring will make them enthusiastic enough to drop their old expectations and ways of thinking. 

Good luck, and happy tutoring!

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Photo credit: © sxc.hu/Gastonmag

Ask Micki: Overachiever situation

Question: Hi, Micki, I have a quick question about my tutee who is a self-proclaimed overachiever.

Usually this is a great thing, because he always puts in a lot of extra effort.  This past semester, my tutee needed to take calculus, and it has been a very difficult class for him.  He's tried his absolute best put in a lot of work, has done all of the homework and extra credit assignments...he's been a great tutee. 

Unfortunately, there are only a few weeks left in the semester, and my tutee currently has a C+/B-.  There is only one exam left, worth 10% of the total grade.  Which means, even if my tutee aces it, the highest he can get in the course is a B+.  He's convinced he can get an "A."

How do I gently break the news to my tutee that, at this point in the semester, an "A" is just not possible?

Thanks,
Jeremy

Answer: Hi, Jeremy. Sounds like you have a fantastic tutee, there, who's willing to put a lot of effort into learning!  That's a great thing, no doubt about it, but it can cause some minor problems when the grade in his head isn't matching up with the grade on his report card. 

The best thing for you to do right now is to be encouraging and supportive of your tutee's efforts (not just the grades he brings home). 

Let him know that he is laying a good foundation for success by staying so focused and determined with his work.

Tell him how useful his tenacity and study habits will be for future classes.

Above all else - mention that he can be proud of whatever grade he gets, because he achieved that grade by doing his best.

It may not completely erase his concern over the "A," but it will make him feel better, and it will help him gradually accept whatever grade he ends up with at the end of the course.

Good luck, and happy tutoring!

Ask Micki: What to do about helicopter parents?

© sulaco229

Question: Hi there, Micki. Thanks in advance for your help!

I have been working with a student for nearly one year.  He's 16 years old, and I have been tutoring him in the sciences. Right now, I am tutoring him in Chemistry, and he is doing well.

He pays close attention during tutoring, shows me his homework and tests, does all of the readings, etc.  He's a model tutee.  The problem is, his mom insists on sitting right beside him during every session.

If she was just sitting there observing, while I may think it a bit odd, it wouldn't be too much of a disruption.

The problem is that she interrupts every few minutes with a question or comment, sometimes mentioning that we are both lucky she's there, as her son may not have thought to ask the question she just did.

Another problem is that, every time she interrupts, my tutee gets thrown off track, and it takes us a few minutes to get back into the flow of learning.

At first I thought that she was just observing my tutoring technique or watching how I interacted with her son.  I definitely wouldn't have a problem with that for a little while, but by now she should trust me, and know that her son and I work well together.

We have tutored twice every week for 10 months. 

How do I get this helicopter parent to give us a little space without being offensive?

~ Michael in SC

Answer: Hi, Michael. It sounds like you need to start charging for 2 tutoring sessions instead of one! I'm kidding, of course, but in actuality you are essentially conducting a small group tutoring session for the price of a single tutoring session.  Not fair to you, and not fair to your tutee since it sounds like it is an obstacle for him learning the material.

It is also a tricky situation, because she is his mom, and she's likely the one paying for the sessions - don't want to burn any bridges!

That said, it isn't appropriate for her to be sitting there, disrupting the tutoring session every few minutes.

If you'd like to try the subtle technique first, you can always opt to have a "practice quiz" for your tutee.  Tell mom that he needs to work on the quiz on his own.  Set a timer for 15 minutes, and both of you leave the room.  Do this at the beginning of every session.

This may be enough to break the mental cycle.  All going well, his mom won't feel such a strong need to be by his side as he learns since he has proven that he can get the job done without mom's help (i.e. interference).

It will also provide you with a direct talking point (i.e. the quiz results) during tutoring.  That will provide a focus that is on the material instead of on his mom's questions.  Since his mom didn't take the quiz, she likely won't have many questions about it - the tutee, on the other hand, will. 

If subtel techniques don't work out too well, try a more direct approach.  Show up a few minutes early to your tutoring session, and have a quick, friendly, private talk with mom about needing to keep her son focused during tutoring.

Mention that to keep him totally focused on the material, it may be a good idea to remove all distractions, and that maybe she could check in from a distance.

Present it in a positive light - tell her that, in order to ensure his success in future study situations, he needs to learn how to ask the right questions on his own.

Talk about how she could observe the session from further away so that he can learn to form questions and conclusions independently - 99% of the time, a parent will respond well to this approach, as he or she will not want to hinder his or her child's future academic success.

Good luck, and happy tutoring!

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Photo credit: © sxc.hu/sulaco229

Poll (and email) results

Well, the results are in!

After going through the poll results on the ITA blog, as well as all of the emails that we received from all of you, here's what you want to see in the ITA store:

Looks like the majority of you would like to see some take along rewards for your tutoring sessions.  So, be on the lookout for some additions to the ITA store!

Ask Micki: Tutee with a major attitude problem

© sxc.hu/imru2b12

Question: Hey, Micki, I need your help.  I'm literally days from dropping my tutee as a client, so I'm kind of desperate for advice. 

I've been tutoring a high school girl in math for about 3 months now.  Of those three months, all but one tutoring appointment (our first session) has been a nightmare. 

She is always late (15-20 minutes each time), never pays attention, makes snippy remarks when I try to show her a new concept, and is just an overall brat.

She is constantly telling me, "I already know this stuff - next!"  Unfortunately, it is clear that she doesn't yet know the concepts.  Test results, homework grades, and our tutoring sessions have shown me that she really needs quite a bit of help.

When I asked her about the lateness, she said, and I'm quoting here, "I had cheer practice today, so you'll just have to deal with it."

I am at the end of my rope.  I want to help her learn algebra, but not at the cost of my sanity.  She is so rude, and it just feels like she doesn't want to learn anything.

I talked to her Mom, and she shared my frustration - this is her daughter's second attempt to pass algebra, and she has already burned through 3 other tutors.

Help!
Anonymous and desperate, CA

Answer: Woah, Anonymous, you have quite a bit of patience putting up with this for 3 months.  I applaud your tenacity, and I am sorry that you are having a rough time with this tutee.  She sounds like a "real pill," as my grandmother used to say.

I'm also happy to hear that you already talked to your tutee's mother.  Communicating with a tutee's parent(s) is typically my first suggestion.  If you feel comfortable, and have not already done so, maybe you could talk to your tutee's parent about moving the tutoring appointment so that it doesn't interfere with your tutee's extracurricular activities.  It will remove the potential for lateness, and will take away her excuses for why she is tardy.

If that seems to be a dead end, you'll want to move on to step two.  Talk to your tutee directly.  Be friendly, open, and honest about your tutoring sessions.  Ask her why she is acting the way she is towards you.  Let her know that it bothers you, and that it is not a productive way to spend your time.  Ask what you can do to improve the tutoring session.  Ask her what she feels she needs help with in her class.

By putting the responsibility back on her, she will likely take accountability for her actions, will feel more involved in the tutoring process, and will behave more appropriately.

You can also ask her to "humor you" for the first 20 minutes of the session by going over the things that she "already knows."  After the 20 minute review, you can move on to the areas she feels more concerned with learning. 

It could be that she doesn't realize how rude she really is.  Yes, it sounds crazy, but you would be surprised how many people I've come across over the past few years who seem to be oblivious to their own rude behavior.  It is as if they are stunned when they find out that their behavior and actions are impolite.  Typically, once they know, they stop being so rude. 

It could also be that she is feeling self-conscious, nervous, and defensive about needing a tutor, or about not knowing the subject matter.  This could be especially true since she had to repeat the class once already. 

I once worked with a tutor whose nervous, self-conscious behavior manifested itself as anger and frustration.  He would get incredibly defensive and pretty angry whenever he didn't understand a concept.  Simply put, he was embarrassed by his academic inexperience.  When we started to go over something new, he would proclaim that he already knew what he was doing and didn't need help.

After talking openly about it (keeping the conversation bright, cheerful, and motivating the whole time) he admitted that he didn't feel very smart, and was embarrassed that his friends knew he had a tutor.  I let him know that a lot of different types of students get tutors, not just ones that aren't doing well in a class.  There are a lot of "A" students with tutors. 

I also made sure to encourage him as we worked, always letting him know that I was proud of his progress.  I let him know that even the most difficult concepts were learned by starting slowly, taking small steps, and building a knowledge foundation for more advanced concepts.

By keeping the tone upbeat and encouraging, things smoothed themselves out after a few more weeks.

Last but not least, the more negative side of my answer - if the situation doesn't improve, drop her as a client.  Life is too short to be abused by someone you are trying to help.  Most of the time, you will be able to fix the problems before you need to drop a client, but sometimes it is unavoidable.

Whatever happens, I wish you the best of luck, and please stop back to let us know how things shaped up for you!

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Photo credit: © imru2b12
http://www.sxc.hu/profile/imru2b12