Ask Micki: Parents don't think that their child needs tutoring

Question: Hey, there, Micki. I have an unusual question, and I am hoping that you will have an answer for me. 

I was contacted by a high school senior a few months ago; she needed help with chemistry, and was hoping that I could tutor her twice a week. 

I have to say, I was impressed by the fact that it was the student (not the parents) who contacted me about tutoring.  I thought to myself, "Wow! If the student is this motivated to learn, imagine how great and supportive her parents must be!"

Boy, was I completely WRONG. 

When I arrived at the house for our first tutoring session, her mother's first words to me were, "Just so you know: I don't think Amber* needs tutoring.  She insisted, so we said yes, but I think you'll be a waste of money, and I don't think Amber's cut out for chemistry."

Wow, thanks, Mom... 

While Amber's dad wasn't quite so vocal, I was given the same treatment by him, and he was pretty flatly honest about how tutors were an unnecessary expense for "good students." 

I felt bad for my tutee, and I felt bad for me, too.  After all, I was contacted by someone who needed tutoring help, and I was there to do my job, not to be insulted.

It's been a few months, now, and Amber's grades have improved immensely, from Cs to As!  She is also much more confident, and is back to dreaming of a science career of some kind once she gets to college. 

The problem is, her parents are still acting miserably, making little comments, and just not being supportive.  Any ideas on how  to handle the awkward situation?

Thanks for your advice!
Ella, hardworking tutor for 10 years now

* Not the tutee's real name.

Answer: Hi, Ella - yikes! Sounds like you unknowingly walked right into an emotional family minefield.  So, first of all, congratulations for sticking with it, and for sticking by your tutee.  It sounds like she needs, and appreciates, the support you are providing.

My best advice for how to handle this situation is going to be the same advice my parents gave me back in junior high when I was dealing with an obnoxious kid in my class - Ignore it.

I know, I know, easier said than done, but trust me when I say that, when you put in the effort to blow their comments off, it will get easier to ignore their attitudes with each passing tutoring session. 

They are obviously unhappy, rude people.  Sorry to sound judgmental, but from what I've read here, it is true.  Chances are, people who behave like that to strangers are likely just as bad (if not worse) to family.  So, don't focus on their comments. 

Instead, focus on your tutee.  Think about how you showing up twice a week is like a beacon of hope in an otherwise cloudy world for her.  You are not showing up for the parents, you are showing up every week to tutor a kid in chemistry who needs and appreciates your help.  You are giving your tutee confidence, and improving her academic performance.

Both you and your tutee are there for all the right reasons, so try (tough as it may be) to stay focused on that.

You can also do what I tend to do with surly family - counter every negative comment with a positive statement.  If your tutee's parents complain about tutors being unnecessary, counter with a cheery, "Well, I thank you for the opportunity to work with your daughter! She's a really bright student!"

You've now effectively changed the subject, shifted it to a more positive place, and can move on to the tutoring knowing that you were gracious even if her parents were downright rude.

Good luck, and stay positive!

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