Ask Micki: The disparaging parent

© sxc.hu/imru2b12

Question: Hi, Micki, I need some help with a really awkward tutoring situation I've gotten involved in during these past few months. 

I tutor a really smart student named Jason*.  He's in the 12th grade, and I've been tutoring him in chemistry during his senior year. 

Like I said, Jason is a sharp guy, and follows each tutoring session with no problems at all.  He's excited about going to college out of state next year, and is working hard to achieve his goals.

He pays attention, does his homework, finishes the extra exercises, and always makes sure to participate in the class extra credit assignments.  He's the perfect tutee to have, and I look forward to our tutoring sessions.

The problem is his parents.  I don't want to come off sounding mean, but they are horrible!

Jason brings home an A-, and they yell at him for not getting 100% on the homework.  He gets his extra credit work done early, and they complain that he doesn't make time for sports.  It's like no matter what Jason does, his parents won't get off his back, and it is driving me crazy to watch. 

It's also affecting Jason, and he feels really insecure and bad about himself.

They are, in a word, mean...and (in two more words) not supportive.

They even tell me not to work too hard on him, because he probably won't get it anyway.

Help!
A.K.
* Name changed to protect privacy.

Answer: Hi, A.K.  Yikes, that is a horrible situation. I feel bad for you, and worse for your poor tutee.  He sounds like a great kid, and it's unfortunate that he's been stuck with parents who make him feel so badly about himself. 

The great news is, he has you as a tutor! 

It sounds like you are supportive and enthusiastic when it comes to his work - just what he needs right now - and that you make the time to encourage him in his studies.

So definitely keep doing what you're doing.  Your attitude is undoubtedly good for Jason's morale.  That, coupled with the fact that he'll be leaving for college in not too long, has got to make it a little easier for Jason to be excited about the future - he has something to look forward to, and that can be a great motivator. 

Apart from that, maybe you could pull the parents aside, and (in a very non-confrontational way) let them know that Jason does great work with motivation and encouragement.  Let them know that a little praise goes a long way, and that some encouraging words will help Jason stay focused and enthusiastic academically.

Again, you don't want to make things worse at home, so present every word in a positive light, never sounding accusatory.  Stay upbeat, and approach the situation as though you are handing out a few expert tips from the tutoring world. 

After all, a lot of tutoring is all about encouragement, support, and interpersonal communication.  They may appreciate the tips! (They certainly sounds as though they need them, too.)

Good luck, and let us know how things turn out for you!

----------------------------------------------------
Photo credit: © imru2b12
http://www.sxc.hu/profile/imru2b12

Ask Micki: Parents don't think that their child needs tutoring

Question: Hey, there, Micki. I have an unusual question, and I am hoping that you will have an answer for me. 

I was contacted by a high school senior a few months ago; she needed help with chemistry, and was hoping that I could tutor her twice a week. 

I have to say, I was impressed by the fact that it was the student (not the parents) who contacted me about tutoring.  I thought to myself, "Wow! If the student is this motivated to learn, imagine how great and supportive her parents must be!"

Boy, was I completely WRONG. 

When I arrived at the house for our first tutoring session, her mother's first words to me were, "Just so you know: I don't think Amber* needs tutoring.  She insisted, so we said yes, but I think you'll be a waste of money, and I don't think Amber's cut out for chemistry."

Wow, thanks, Mom... 

While Amber's dad wasn't quite so vocal, I was given the same treatment by him, and he was pretty flatly honest about how tutors were an unnecessary expense for "good students." 

I felt bad for my tutee, and I felt bad for me, too.  After all, I was contacted by someone who needed tutoring help, and I was there to do my job, not to be insulted.

It's been a few months, now, and Amber's grades have improved immensely, from Cs to As!  She is also much more confident, and is back to dreaming of a science career of some kind once she gets to college. 

The problem is, her parents are still acting miserably, making little comments, and just not being supportive.  Any ideas on how  to handle the awkward situation?

Thanks for your advice!
Ella, hardworking tutor for 10 years now

* Not the tutee's real name.

Answer: Hi, Ella - yikes! Sounds like you unknowingly walked right into an emotional family minefield.  So, first of all, congratulations for sticking with it, and for sticking by your tutee.  It sounds like she needs, and appreciates, the support you are providing.

My best advice for how to handle this situation is going to be the same advice my parents gave me back in junior high when I was dealing with an obnoxious kid in my class - Ignore it.

I know, I know, easier said than done, but trust me when I say that, when you put in the effort to blow their comments off, it will get easier to ignore their attitudes with each passing tutoring session. 

They are obviously unhappy, rude people.  Sorry to sound judgmental, but from what I've read here, it is true.  Chances are, people who behave like that to strangers are likely just as bad (if not worse) to family.  So, don't focus on their comments. 

Instead, focus on your tutee.  Think about how you showing up twice a week is like a beacon of hope in an otherwise cloudy world for her.  You are not showing up for the parents, you are showing up every week to tutor a kid in chemistry who needs and appreciates your help.  You are giving your tutee confidence, and improving her academic performance.

Both you and your tutee are there for all the right reasons, so try (tough as it may be) to stay focused on that.

You can also do what I tend to do with surly family - counter every negative comment with a positive statement.  If your tutee's parents complain about tutors being unnecessary, counter with a cheery, "Well, I thank you for the opportunity to work with your daughter! She's a really bright student!"

You've now effectively changed the subject, shifted it to a more positive place, and can move on to the tutoring knowing that you were gracious even if her parents were downright rude.

Good luck, and stay positive!

-------------------------------------
Photo Credit: © 0Odyssey0
http://www.sxc.hu/profile/0Odyssey0

Ask Micki: Tutee with helicopter parents

Question: Hi, Micki, I really need your advice on this moderately annoying situation.

I am tutoring a 17 year old in French.  He is a really bright kid, is already pulling As and Bs on all the tests, has a good grade point average, and pays attention during tutoring.  He isn't the problem - his mom, unfortunately, is.  She hovers throughout the tutoring, interrupts every 5 minutes (no, I'm not exaggerating, it really is every 5 minutes), asks a ton of questions about the session, tells me how to go over the French flashcards, gives me "advice" on how to tutor, etc. 

Parental involvement is great, but this is getting difficult to work with every week.  My tutee is getting annoyed with her (he told me this himself), and I'm not too excited about these tutoring sessions either.  Any ideas how I can get her to not hover over the tutoring sessions?

Thanks for your help!
A.R.

Answer: Heya, A.R., I feel your pain.  Having someone hover, and try to "help" during a tutoring session can be really distracting for both the tutor and the tutee.  Reminds me of those old signs that used to be in mechanics shops - the ones that read:

Standard rate: $50/hour
If you watch me work: $75/hour
If you try to help while I work: $100/hour  :-)

All joking aside, though, it can be a really frustrating experience.  Unfortunately, from what I have heard from other tutors (and experienced myself), the parental hovering during tutoring sessions seems to be a growing phenomenon.

One thing that you can try is dropping hints to the parent.  Mentioning that tutoring takes a lot of concentration, making a show of having no music or television during the session, and letting her know that her son does great when he can fully focus are all hints that may let the mom know that tutoring is one hour when she doesn't need to "help." 

If the hints don't work, you may try moving tutoring locations.  Try mentioning that it would be a good idea to tutor at her son's school or at the local library.  You can mention that the environment is quiet, conducive to studying, and that there are plenty of resources there (i.e. reference books, dictionaries, etc.) to use during tutoring.

If, for some reason, she doesn't like that idea, you can always try talking to her directly about the problem.  This can be tricky, and you'll need to tread lightly.

Mention that, while you appreciate her help and her enthusiasm about her son's eduction, the tutoring hour is really a time when he needs to have his focus fully on the French language.  Make sure she knows how important concentration is during a tutoring session. 

If all else fails, insist that if she interrupts, it must be in French.  Chances are, that will cut back on the interruptions...or at least give him an opportunity to practice French! :-)

Good luck and, as always, happy tutoring!

Ask Micki: Texting during tutoring

Question: Hi.  I'm a math and science tutor for a high school student.  Bright kid, but the problem is, he has trouble switching off his cell phone during tutoring.  Since he got his new phone, he is texting nonstop, even during the tutoring sessions, and is just not paying attention.  His grades are also starting to slip quite a bit.  How can I get the texting to stop so that we can have an effective tutoring session?

Thanks,
John from GA

Answer: Hi, John, good question! As technology has gotten more and more integrated into daily life, this problem has, unfortunately, become a lot more prevalent. 

I had a tutoring situation like this a while back myself - I had a tutee who was a smart student, but would not stop picking up the cell phone when her friends called.  It got so bad that we spent 25 minutes of one tutoring session doing nothing because she wouldn't hang up the phone!

The good news is, this is an easy tutoring problem to fix!
So what are the steps to fixing this?


1. Communication.
Let your tutee know that you are happy to help him succeed academically, but that it is important that you have 100% of his attention so that you two can work effectively.

Have him finish up whatever text message he is sending, and then ask him to set the phone aside (and even turn it off) until the end of the session.  Instructors do this all the time in schools around the world, so it is not unheard of for tutors to use this technique as well.

Let your tutee know that shutting his phone off, and not texting his friends, for 45 minutes-1 hour will not hurt his social life (it's not a long enough time frame for that!), but it will allow him to get the most out of the tutoring session. 

2. Relate tutoring to something your tutee is interested in, such as a hobby or sport.
Explain to your tutee that tutoring is a lot like hockey, playing the violin, or painting a portrait.  If your mind is in too many places at once, the results will not be as good as if your mind is 100% focuse on the task at hand (in his case tutoring).

Too many tutees expect that tutoring doesn't require much effort or concentration.  Let your tutee know, in a friendly way, why this is not true.  Putting in 100% in sports, music, art, or tutoring is important!

3. If it is really out of hand, talk to your tutee's parents.
If you have tried the above techniques and your tutee is still texting nonstop, talk to your tutee's parents.  Chances are, they are paying for a service that their son is not utilizing, and they will be interested in knowing this. 

When you get right down to it, you aren't his parent(s), so you can only do so much to help him.  Talk to his parents about the cell phone use during sessions, make them aware of his attention shifting in and out of the tutoring sessions, and let them know that his grades are suffering a bit. 

If anyone can do something about restricting your tutee's cell phone usage during learning it is (and should be) your tutee's parents.

Good luck and, as always, happy tutoring!

Peer Tutoring: Tip 1

Hi ITA Blog readers, Charlie the tutor here with part 1 of my 8 part tip series for peer tutoring. Why peer tutoring, you ask?

Well, I got the idea from one of my tutees. He's a Sophmore in high school, and has just been asked to be a peer tutor for his school. It's pretty cool that a kid I've been tutoring since he was in the 5th grade is now going to be a tutor himself!

Anyway, he asked me about tips for peer tutors, and I thought it'd be a great idea to share them here, too, for other peer tutors to read. The ideas can be applied to pretty much any peer tutoring situation.

So, without further ado, here is the first (and probably easiest!) tip for peer tutors.

Tip #1: Get to know your tutee.
Talk to your tutee, find out what he/she likes, ask about hobbies and interests, talk about favorite academic subjects, ask about preferred names/nicknames...basically, talk to your tutee the way you would talk to a new friend. Don't get too personal, but do a good job of putting your tutee at ease before tutoring even begins.

Getting to know your tutee on a more casual and personal level can make tutoring a lot more enjoyable and a lot more effective.

That's it for Tip #1 (told you it was an easy one!), but I'll be back tomorrow with tip #2.

Ask Micki: Annoying tutee

Question: Hi, Micki. My question is about how to work with an annoying tutee. I don't want to sound like I'm complaining, but one of my tutees is, well, really irritating.

A few examples: last week we had a 2:00 pm session scheduled. I got there at 2:00, but according to his watch, I was 3 minutes late. He said that, at the end of the session, he wanted a partial refund for the missing time.

On another occasion, he got angry at me because he had received a B on his last exam. He said that, since I was tutoring him, he should have received at least an A-; of course, he wanted some kind of refund for his trouble.

I am seriously thinking of dropping him as a client, because every one of our sessions together seems to leave me incredibly frustrated. What do I do?

Signed,
Ellen - a frustrated tutor in CA

Answer: Sorry to hear about your tough time - this tutee doesn't sound like too much fun to be around.

Unfortunately, there have been an increasing number of people who use the current economy as an excuse to abuse and intimidate businesses and freelancers (including tutors) into giving them refunds even when they are not legitimate. The current economy seems to be a gateway for people who feel entitled to everything under the sun and see no problem with making ridiculous demands.

Sorry to rant, but this is one of my pet peeves, and one that I have seen way too much of recently.

If you feel like you want to work this out with your tutee, sit down and have a quick talk with him about your expectations for the sessions, how perfect grades aren't guaranteed, how learning the material is just as important as the grade, how learning the material will gradually increase his grade point average over time, etc. Get his input on how he thinks things are going.

It would also be a good idea to mention that, while you can't refund minutes from a session, you would be more than happy to stay a bit longer to make up the time.

If none of this works, and you are still having problems with him, I would suggest dropping him from your client list.

People like him are stressful to work with, and in the long run your energy would be better spent finding new (better) clients, developing learning materials for your existing customers, etc.

Don't let this bad tutee get you down! There are plenty of wonderful tutees out there just waiting for a great tutor.

Good luck, and as always, happy tutoring!

Ask Micki: Tutoring referrals

Question: Hi, Micki. I have a question about something that recently happened with someone I was tutoring in Chemistry. I had just met my tutee, and about halfway through our first tutoring session, I realized that the areas of tutoring he was having trouble with were math related.

After we tried to work out a formula for about 10 minutes, I realized that a math tutor would really be necessary for him if he was going to understand Chemistry (and get the B+ or higher that he wanted). My question: How do I go about mentioning this, recommending a tutor, etc? Thanks!

Chem Tutor from West Chester, PA

Answer: Hi Chem Tutor. Good question, and something that a lot of tutors face. Especially those tutors in the science subjects since they deal with topics that rely heavily on math - as you know, math is not the easiest subject for a lot of students, and can affect their science grades. So, good for you being such a great tutee and recognizing that your tutee needs additional help!

I would recommend having a list of names and contact info for tutors in other subject areas. Keep the list with you when tutoring. You never know when it might be needed. I know that I’ve used mine on more than one occasion. If you don’t know other tutors try recommending sources, such as TutorNation.com, that will help tutees and parents locate appropriate tutors in their area.

A local college can also prove to be a good referral resource. Many tutors working at college tutoring centers like to work after school as private tutors. A quick visit or call to the tutoring center just might result in some nice referrals.

However you choose to handle this situation, know that the goodwill gesture of taking that extra tutoring step will be appreciated by your tutee. Good luck, and happy tutoring!

Ask Micki: What to do about a lazy tutee?

This question was sent in by an anonymous tutor who is having problems motivating his tutee to learn.

Question: Hi, Micki. I have been tutoring for about 3 years now (mostly high school math), and have had nothing but great experiences. That is, until 2 weeks ago.

Two weeks ago I encountered, perhaps, one of the laziest tutees on earth! I started tutoring a 16 year old boy in basic statistics, and he really needs the help. His parents have already expressed their concern, and have given me the task of raising his grade from a D- to an A...in the next 4 weeks...yeah...Since it is a summer school course, and time was of the essence, we scheduled appointments for two days each week.

First, I talked to his parents and let them know, realistically, what could be done with his grade in only 4 weeks of tutoring. They understood, and were still happy for the tutoring help - they really just want him to pass the course with a decent grade. No problem, there!

But as soon as my tutee and I had our first tutoring session together, I knew it would be challenging (to say the least). He frequently gets up to "grab a sports drink," zones out while I'm talking, switches on the television, and even had the nerve to answer a phone call from his friend right in the middle of our tutoring session.

He is just not interested in learning or tutoring. What do I do with him? He's driving me crazy!
(from Anonymous)

Answer: Hi, Anonymous! You have a great question for me, and one that-I'm sure-has been asked by many frustrated tutors over the years. In fact, I remember asking myself this question a decade ago when I tutored a challenging tutee.

First of all, you did the right thing by talking to your tutee's parents about the situation, and I'm pretty sure that they know that the problem with their son's grades lies in his lazy attitude towards schoolwork.

As for your tutee: it sounds like it is important to start over with him. Lay out the tutoring rules again, and get him into a more learning friendly environment.

Try the following tips - I am sure they will help your tutoring sessions immensely.

1. Have a quick talk with your tutee about how important it is to minimize distractions so that he can get the most out of each tutoring session. Try to avoid coming across as a disciplinarian. Just be really upfront about the fact that he needs to learn this stuff to pass the class. If he knows how important the tutoring is, he may perform better.

2. Get rid of the distractions. I once had a tutee that was so distracted by the phone ringing, that it was almost as if he couldn't help himself from jumping up and answering it at least 10 times every time I tutored him.

So, we removed our tutoring session from the distraction. He and I began tutoring at the local library and, on occasion, the high school classroom. His concentration, and grades, skyrocketed! (usually by the time you have completed this step, you have a brand new, studious tutee on your hands)

3. Offer small tutoring session rewards. Maybe if the two of you get through a set number of math problems, or concepts, you can offer up a small gift card at the end of the month. This also works if you leave him with extra problems to try in between your sessions - if he finishes your worksheet, he gets some sort of "prize"!

4. Talk to the parents. Let them know that their son is having difficulty concentrating during the tutoring, and that it could impact his grades. They most likely have a good idea of what would motivate, and distract, their son, and may be able to offer you some great insight and suggestions for your future tutoring sessions. At the very least, this makes them aware of the problem and lets them know that it is not the tutor's fault that the tutee isn't performing.

5. Speak with the teacher. Is he not paying attention in class because he is goofing off, or is he genuinely having difficulty with the material. Let the teacher know that you are his tutor, and that you are concerned with his progress. It may even be necessary for him to be in lower level class at this point in time.

Whatever happens, good luck and happy tutoring!

Guest Post: Problems with Parents

This is a great guest post sent to us by a tutor who wishes to remain anonymous. It is all about dealing with the difficult parents of a tutee.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi readers,

I've decided to submit this post anonymously for obvious reasons (I don't want to get involved in the parents reading this, etc.). It is a post that deals with the reality of tutoring high school mathematics, and the pitfalls that come with a teens difficult parents.

My tale starts out like any normal tutoring session. I showed up at my tutee's home, a nice suburban brick house, on a sunny Saturday afternoon.

I rang the bell and a tired looking 16 year old girl, I'll call her June (name obviously changed), answered the door. After making my way inside, we sat down and went through the usual introductions. I found out that she played volleyball, which she enjoyed, and that she was very worried about her algebra grade.

Unfortunately, during this 10 minute conversation, June's parents interrupted about 5 times. Not to introduce themselves, or offer some insight into their daughter's difficulties with her math class, but to remind her to "study fast - you have practice in 2 hours."

I was shocked and knew that there was a definite problem.

Throughout our hour long session, we were interrupted repeatedly, at least a dozen times, by June's parents.

June's mom stopped the session twice to ask about volleyball equipment, her dad interrupted us to talk about the upcoming game in 3 weeks, and there were other interruptions that ranged from carpool questions to discussions about "gearing up for the scouts that might be at the game next month."

By the end of the tutoring session June looked as frustrated as I felt and it was clear that nothing had been accomplished during the session.

I knew that we had 9 more tutoring sessions planned, but I also knew that they would be useless if the tutoring session conditions stayed the same. So I started thinking about what to do next.

Should I talk to the parents and risk confrontation? Should I suggest we meet elsewhere? I didn't want to create any tension or uneasiness, I just wanted to give June a chance to learn.

So, after a few minutes of though, I mustered up the courage to talk to her mom and dad. I let them know that June definitely needed help with her algebra, but that she was a bright young woman who seemed very capable of quickly learning the concepts.

I also asked if it would be all right to move our future tutoring sessions to the local library so that we would have access to all of the math books we could possibly need and a quiet place to study.

To my relief, June's parents said that library tutoring sessions would be fine with them, provided that they could be scheduled around practice and games. I was thrilled - I knew that we would have a much better chance of math class success if June was given an opportunity to concentrate.

So, for the next session June and I met after school at her local public library. The session went great, June picked up all of the concepts we went over, and by the end of the semester she had improved by an entire letter grade!

Now that she will be entering her Junior year of high school, we have planned regular tutoring sessions at the library. June is still a star volleyball player, but now she is a star math student as well!