Ask Micki: The disparaging parent

© sxc.hu/imru2b12

Question: Hi, Micki, I need some help with a really awkward tutoring situation I've gotten involved in during these past few months. 

I tutor a really smart student named Jason*.  He's in the 12th grade, and I've been tutoring him in chemistry during his senior year. 

Like I said, Jason is a sharp guy, and follows each tutoring session with no problems at all.  He's excited about going to college out of state next year, and is working hard to achieve his goals.

He pays attention, does his homework, finishes the extra exercises, and always makes sure to participate in the class extra credit assignments.  He's the perfect tutee to have, and I look forward to our tutoring sessions.

The problem is his parents.  I don't want to come off sounding mean, but they are horrible!

Jason brings home an A-, and they yell at him for not getting 100% on the homework.  He gets his extra credit work done early, and they complain that he doesn't make time for sports.  It's like no matter what Jason does, his parents won't get off his back, and it is driving me crazy to watch. 

It's also affecting Jason, and he feels really insecure and bad about himself.

They are, in a word, mean...and (in two more words) not supportive.

They even tell me not to work too hard on him, because he probably won't get it anyway.

Help!
A.K.
* Name changed to protect privacy.

Answer: Hi, A.K.  Yikes, that is a horrible situation. I feel bad for you, and worse for your poor tutee.  He sounds like a great kid, and it's unfortunate that he's been stuck with parents who make him feel so badly about himself. 

The great news is, he has you as a tutor! 

It sounds like you are supportive and enthusiastic when it comes to his work - just what he needs right now - and that you make the time to encourage him in his studies.

So definitely keep doing what you're doing.  Your attitude is undoubtedly good for Jason's morale.  That, coupled with the fact that he'll be leaving for college in not too long, has got to make it a little easier for Jason to be excited about the future - he has something to look forward to, and that can be a great motivator. 

Apart from that, maybe you could pull the parents aside, and (in a very non-confrontational way) let them know that Jason does great work with motivation and encouragement.  Let them know that a little praise goes a long way, and that some encouraging words will help Jason stay focused and enthusiastic academically.

Again, you don't want to make things worse at home, so present every word in a positive light, never sounding accusatory.  Stay upbeat, and approach the situation as though you are handing out a few expert tips from the tutoring world. 

After all, a lot of tutoring is all about encouragement, support, and interpersonal communication.  They may appreciate the tips! (They certainly sounds as though they need them, too.)

Good luck, and let us know how things turn out for you!

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Photo credit: © imru2b12
http://www.sxc.hu/profile/imru2b12

Ask Micki: What to do about helicopter parents?

© sulaco229

Question: Hi there, Micki. Thanks in advance for your help!

I have been working with a student for nearly one year.  He's 16 years old, and I have been tutoring him in the sciences. Right now, I am tutoring him in Chemistry, and he is doing well.

He pays close attention during tutoring, shows me his homework and tests, does all of the readings, etc.  He's a model tutee.  The problem is, his mom insists on sitting right beside him during every session.

If she was just sitting there observing, while I may think it a bit odd, it wouldn't be too much of a disruption.

The problem is that she interrupts every few minutes with a question or comment, sometimes mentioning that we are both lucky she's there, as her son may not have thought to ask the question she just did.

Another problem is that, every time she interrupts, my tutee gets thrown off track, and it takes us a few minutes to get back into the flow of learning.

At first I thought that she was just observing my tutoring technique or watching how I interacted with her son.  I definitely wouldn't have a problem with that for a little while, but by now she should trust me, and know that her son and I work well together.

We have tutored twice every week for 10 months. 

How do I get this helicopter parent to give us a little space without being offensive?

~ Michael in SC

Answer: Hi, Michael. It sounds like you need to start charging for 2 tutoring sessions instead of one! I'm kidding, of course, but in actuality you are essentially conducting a small group tutoring session for the price of a single tutoring session.  Not fair to you, and not fair to your tutee since it sounds like it is an obstacle for him learning the material.

It is also a tricky situation, because she is his mom, and she's likely the one paying for the sessions - don't want to burn any bridges!

That said, it isn't appropriate for her to be sitting there, disrupting the tutoring session every few minutes.

If you'd like to try the subtle technique first, you can always opt to have a "practice quiz" for your tutee.  Tell mom that he needs to work on the quiz on his own.  Set a timer for 15 minutes, and both of you leave the room.  Do this at the beginning of every session.

This may be enough to break the mental cycle.  All going well, his mom won't feel such a strong need to be by his side as he learns since he has proven that he can get the job done without mom's help (i.e. interference).

It will also provide you with a direct talking point (i.e. the quiz results) during tutoring.  That will provide a focus that is on the material instead of on his mom's questions.  Since his mom didn't take the quiz, she likely won't have many questions about it - the tutee, on the other hand, will. 

If subtel techniques don't work out too well, try a more direct approach.  Show up a few minutes early to your tutoring session, and have a quick, friendly, private talk with mom about needing to keep her son focused during tutoring.

Mention that to keep him totally focused on the material, it may be a good idea to remove all distractions, and that maybe she could check in from a distance.

Present it in a positive light - tell her that, in order to ensure his success in future study situations, he needs to learn how to ask the right questions on his own.

Talk about how she could observe the session from further away so that he can learn to form questions and conclusions independently - 99% of the time, a parent will respond well to this approach, as he or she will not want to hinder his or her child's future academic success.

Good luck, and happy tutoring!

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Photo credit: © sxc.hu/sulaco229