Ask Micki: Parents don't think that their child needs tutoring

Question: Hey, there, Micki. I have an unusual question, and I am hoping that you will have an answer for me. 

I was contacted by a high school senior a few months ago; she needed help with chemistry, and was hoping that I could tutor her twice a week. 

I have to say, I was impressed by the fact that it was the student (not the parents) who contacted me about tutoring.  I thought to myself, "Wow! If the student is this motivated to learn, imagine how great and supportive her parents must be!"

Boy, was I completely WRONG. 

When I arrived at the house for our first tutoring session, her mother's first words to me were, "Just so you know: I don't think Amber* needs tutoring.  She insisted, so we said yes, but I think you'll be a waste of money, and I don't think Amber's cut out for chemistry."

Wow, thanks, Mom... 

While Amber's dad wasn't quite so vocal, I was given the same treatment by him, and he was pretty flatly honest about how tutors were an unnecessary expense for "good students." 

I felt bad for my tutee, and I felt bad for me, too.  After all, I was contacted by someone who needed tutoring help, and I was there to do my job, not to be insulted.

It's been a few months, now, and Amber's grades have improved immensely, from Cs to As!  She is also much more confident, and is back to dreaming of a science career of some kind once she gets to college. 

The problem is, her parents are still acting miserably, making little comments, and just not being supportive.  Any ideas on how  to handle the awkward situation?

Thanks for your advice!
Ella, hardworking tutor for 10 years now

* Not the tutee's real name.

Answer: Hi, Ella - yikes! Sounds like you unknowingly walked right into an emotional family minefield.  So, first of all, congratulations for sticking with it, and for sticking by your tutee.  It sounds like she needs, and appreciates, the support you are providing.

My best advice for how to handle this situation is going to be the same advice my parents gave me back in junior high when I was dealing with an obnoxious kid in my class - Ignore it.

I know, I know, easier said than done, but trust me when I say that, when you put in the effort to blow their comments off, it will get easier to ignore their attitudes with each passing tutoring session. 

They are obviously unhappy, rude people.  Sorry to sound judgmental, but from what I've read here, it is true.  Chances are, people who behave like that to strangers are likely just as bad (if not worse) to family.  So, don't focus on their comments. 

Instead, focus on your tutee.  Think about how you showing up twice a week is like a beacon of hope in an otherwise cloudy world for her.  You are not showing up for the parents, you are showing up every week to tutor a kid in chemistry who needs and appreciates your help.  You are giving your tutee confidence, and improving her academic performance.

Both you and your tutee are there for all the right reasons, so try (tough as it may be) to stay focused on that.

You can also do what I tend to do with surly family - counter every negative comment with a positive statement.  If your tutee's parents complain about tutors being unnecessary, counter with a cheery, "Well, I thank you for the opportunity to work with your daughter! She's a really bright student!"

You've now effectively changed the subject, shifted it to a more positive place, and can move on to the tutoring knowing that you were gracious even if her parents were downright rude.

Good luck, and stay positive!

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Photo Credit: © 0Odyssey0
http://www.sxc.hu/profile/0Odyssey0

Ask Micki: Tutor comparisons

© Gastonmag

Questions: Bonjour, Micki! I was contacted by a family who needed a French tutor for their daughter. 

Their previous tutor of 2 years had gone away to college, and they needed someone to continue to help their daughter conjugate those French verbs.

The situation I'm having is that they are CONSTANTLY comparing me to their old tutor, Paula (not her real name). 

When I present a topic, I'm told, "that isn't the way Paula did things." When we work on vocabulary, I'm told, "Paula always went over the words like this..."  If I give a mini-quiz, I hear about how Paula never did that.

This happens at least a dozen times per session. It's driving me crazy!

Any help for this?

Merci!
Allison

Answer: Hi Allison, thanks for your question.  Believe it or not, this is a fairly common complaint when it comes to tutoring. 

The good news is, time is the best remedy for this type of situation.  Over time, "Paula always did it this way..." will be gradually replaced by, "This is how Allison and I work through the French assignment..."

That said, I imagine you'd like a way to deal with this right now, so I'll give you a few tips that I used to handle a similar situation in my own life as a new tutor.

First of all, take a few minutes to talk to your tutee. Good, open, friendly communication is key.  Find out what Paula did that worked so well, and see if any of the ideas are something you'd consider implementing during your tutoring sessions. 

Maybe Paula did a mini-quiz recap at the end of the session that may be a fun idea to continue, maybe she used flashcards that you would consider using, etc.  By keeping the dialogue (and your mind) open to new suggestions, your tutee will feel heard, and you may pick up a few good ideas for your sessions!

Also, you may consider taking a few minutes to talk about how you understand that Paula had a certain way of doing things, but so do you.  Keep the tone upbeat and positive.  Play up the good points of your tutoring style and technique.  Let the tutee (and her parents) know that with a new tutor comes wonderful new opportunities for learning, and new ways of approaching a topic.  Mention how utilizing new learning styles keeps the mind active and the material fresh.

It could be that just hearing about the newness of your tutoring will make them enthusiastic enough to drop their old expectations and ways of thinking. 

Good luck, and happy tutoring!

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Photo credit: © sxc.hu/Gastonmag

Ask Micki: Overachiever situation

Question: Hi, Micki, I have a quick question about my tutee who is a self-proclaimed overachiever.

Usually this is a great thing, because he always puts in a lot of extra effort.  This past semester, my tutee needed to take calculus, and it has been a very difficult class for him.  He's tried his absolute best put in a lot of work, has done all of the homework and extra credit assignments...he's been a great tutee. 

Unfortunately, there are only a few weeks left in the semester, and my tutee currently has a C+/B-.  There is only one exam left, worth 10% of the total grade.  Which means, even if my tutee aces it, the highest he can get in the course is a B+.  He's convinced he can get an "A."

How do I gently break the news to my tutee that, at this point in the semester, an "A" is just not possible?

Thanks,
Jeremy

Answer: Hi, Jeremy. Sounds like you have a fantastic tutee, there, who's willing to put a lot of effort into learning!  That's a great thing, no doubt about it, but it can cause some minor problems when the grade in his head isn't matching up with the grade on his report card. 

The best thing for you to do right now is to be encouraging and supportive of your tutee's efforts (not just the grades he brings home). 

Let him know that he is laying a good foundation for success by staying so focused and determined with his work.

Tell him how useful his tenacity and study habits will be for future classes.

Above all else - mention that he can be proud of whatever grade he gets, because he achieved that grade by doing his best.

It may not completely erase his concern over the "A," but it will make him feel better, and it will help him gradually accept whatever grade he ends up with at the end of the course.

Good luck, and happy tutoring!