Ask Micki: Irritated with my new tutee

© catalin82

Question: Hi, Micki. I have a question, and I'm hoping you can help me.  First, a little background on me and my tutee.

I am a math and science tutor, and work mostly with high school and college students.  One of my current clients is a college freshman, and I am tutoring him in beginning chemistry.  We just started working together, once a week, about a month ago, but I can already tell that this is going to be a looooooonnng semester with him.

The problem is my tutee is really irritating. He takes personal phone calls from his buddies during tutoring, turns on loud music (complete with "pencil drumming"  the table) during our sessions, and never seems to be paying attention to the material.

Last week it was so bad that we barely covered any material at all.  Between him calling his girlfriend, making plans for Friday night with his friends, and changing the music every five minutes, we got nothing done. 

It's really starting to get to me, so any help would make me a happy guy. Thanks!

J.A., an irritated tutor in San Francisco

Answer: Hey, there, J.A..  You're right - that is annoying!  Sorry to hear about your difficult tutoring sessions - this tutee doesn't sound like too much fun to work with on a weekly basis.

Crazy as it may sound, your tutee may not even know that he's being annoying.  The next time you two meet, try sitting down and having a quick talk with him about the expectations for your tutoring sessions.  Lay out the ground rules, using an upbeat, friendly tone.

Let your tutee know that by focusing all of his attention on the tutoring session (instead of phone calls, music, etc.), he will be getting the most tutoring for his money.  Also let him know that you want to help him do his best in his chemistry class, and the most effective way to do this is to make sure that you are both putting in 100% effort during tutoring.

Also, take a few seconds to get his input on how he thinks the tutoring is going.  Learn a little about him and his tutoring expectations.

Set goals together so that you both have something to look forward to during tutoring.  Give your tutee something to shoot for - a good grade on his next exam, memorizing a particular segment of the periodic table, learning a new chemistry concept, getting a good grade on his homework assignment, etc. 

I believe that by talking to your tutee, the problem will practically fix itself.  That said, if you find that this tutee continues to disrespect your time, and isn't contributing to the tutoring sessions, it may be necessary to drop him as a tutee.  

However, like I said, I am confident that a quick conversation will straighten everything out in no time!
Good luck, and happy tutoring!

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Photo credit: © sxc.hu/catalin82

Ask Micki: Tutee with a major attitude problem

© sxc.hu/imru2b12

Question: Hey, Micki, I need your help.  I'm literally days from dropping my tutee as a client, so I'm kind of desperate for advice. 

I've been tutoring a high school girl in math for about 3 months now.  Of those three months, all but one tutoring appointment (our first session) has been a nightmare. 

She is always late (15-20 minutes each time), never pays attention, makes snippy remarks when I try to show her a new concept, and is just an overall brat.

She is constantly telling me, "I already know this stuff - next!"  Unfortunately, it is clear that she doesn't yet know the concepts.  Test results, homework grades, and our tutoring sessions have shown me that she really needs quite a bit of help.

When I asked her about the lateness, she said, and I'm quoting here, "I had cheer practice today, so you'll just have to deal with it."

I am at the end of my rope.  I want to help her learn algebra, but not at the cost of my sanity.  She is so rude, and it just feels like she doesn't want to learn anything.

I talked to her Mom, and she shared my frustration - this is her daughter's second attempt to pass algebra, and she has already burned through 3 other tutors.

Help!
Anonymous and desperate, CA

Answer: Woah, Anonymous, you have quite a bit of patience putting up with this for 3 months.  I applaud your tenacity, and I am sorry that you are having a rough time with this tutee.  She sounds like a "real pill," as my grandmother used to say.

I'm also happy to hear that you already talked to your tutee's mother.  Communicating with a tutee's parent(s) is typically my first suggestion.  If you feel comfortable, and have not already done so, maybe you could talk to your tutee's parent about moving the tutoring appointment so that it doesn't interfere with your tutee's extracurricular activities.  It will remove the potential for lateness, and will take away her excuses for why she is tardy.

If that seems to be a dead end, you'll want to move on to step two.  Talk to your tutee directly.  Be friendly, open, and honest about your tutoring sessions.  Ask her why she is acting the way she is towards you.  Let her know that it bothers you, and that it is not a productive way to spend your time.  Ask what you can do to improve the tutoring session.  Ask her what she feels she needs help with in her class.

By putting the responsibility back on her, she will likely take accountability for her actions, will feel more involved in the tutoring process, and will behave more appropriately.

You can also ask her to "humor you" for the first 20 minutes of the session by going over the things that she "already knows."  After the 20 minute review, you can move on to the areas she feels more concerned with learning. 

It could be that she doesn't realize how rude she really is.  Yes, it sounds crazy, but you would be surprised how many people I've come across over the past few years who seem to be oblivious to their own rude behavior.  It is as if they are stunned when they find out that their behavior and actions are impolite.  Typically, once they know, they stop being so rude. 

It could also be that she is feeling self-conscious, nervous, and defensive about needing a tutor, or about not knowing the subject matter.  This could be especially true since she had to repeat the class once already. 

I once worked with a tutor whose nervous, self-conscious behavior manifested itself as anger and frustration.  He would get incredibly defensive and pretty angry whenever he didn't understand a concept.  Simply put, he was embarrassed by his academic inexperience.  When we started to go over something new, he would proclaim that he already knew what he was doing and didn't need help.

After talking openly about it (keeping the conversation bright, cheerful, and motivating the whole time) he admitted that he didn't feel very smart, and was embarrassed that his friends knew he had a tutor.  I let him know that a lot of different types of students get tutors, not just ones that aren't doing well in a class.  There are a lot of "A" students with tutors. 

I also made sure to encourage him as we worked, always letting him know that I was proud of his progress.  I let him know that even the most difficult concepts were learned by starting slowly, taking small steps, and building a knowledge foundation for more advanced concepts.

By keeping the tone upbeat and encouraging, things smoothed themselves out after a few more weeks.

Last but not least, the more negative side of my answer - if the situation doesn't improve, drop her as a client.  Life is too short to be abused by someone you are trying to help.  Most of the time, you will be able to fix the problems before you need to drop a client, but sometimes it is unavoidable.

Whatever happens, I wish you the best of luck, and please stop back to let us know how things shaped up for you!

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Photo credit: © imru2b12
http://www.sxc.hu/profile/imru2b12

Ask Micki: Tutee with a hygiene problem.

Question: Hi, Micki, I have an embarrassing situation that I need your help with ASAP.  I have been tutoring a guy in college mathematics.  He's a great tutee, pays attention, and is cool to work with. 

One problem- and I don't know how to put this delicately- he has really, really bad body odor. 

It's bad enough that it is affecting my concentration, and I feel like we aren't having the most successful tutoring sessions because of it.  As summer heats up, I can only see this becoming a bigger problem.  Help!

Thanks,
Anon. in So. Cal.

Answer: Hi, there.  Sorry to hear about your awkward situation - personal grooming and hygiene issues are difficult to approach, because you don't want to embarrass your tutee or hurt his feelings. 

The thing is, if it is affecting your tutoring sessions together, you need to mention it somehow.  Think of it this way - you will be doing him a favor in the long run.  Just make sure to approach the situation subtly, and with compassion.

Here's what I would do:

Step One: Casually drop a few hints about summer heat causing excess perspiration, how difficult it can be to stay fresh and dry during the summer months, how many people seem to forget deodorant during hot months, etc.  Quite often, by dropping some hints, you will be able to help the situation without directly approaching the issue head on. 

Step Two: If step one didn't have much effect, try a change of scenery.  Mention that as it heats up, it may be a good idea to meet somewhere breezy and air conditioned.  Ask him if he swims or works out - maybe you two could meet right after he has showered, alleviating the bodily funk issue.

Step Three: When all else fails, try the direct, polite approach.  Mention that you have noticed that, as it has gotten warmer outside, both of you have been sweating a lot more.  Lighten the mood by joking that it nay be tough to study in a funky environment, and suggest that maybe you two could meet after it cools down for the evening, meet in an air conditioned space, etc.  If you make the problem into something that affects both of you (i.e. sweating), he will be less offended by it, and more grateful that you want to keep from stinking up the session.

Good luck and, as always, happy tutoring!
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Image Credit: mfrietsch ©
http://www.sxc.hu/profile/mfrietsch